


Banishing Nargles

by Shaddyr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: firewhiskeyfic, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 04:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11661600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shaddyr/pseuds/Shaddyr
Summary: Pansy is so very done with this shit...





	Banishing Nargles

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Firewhiskeyfic on Dreamwidth, and is my first foray into writing Harry Potter.
> 
> I have cleaned up all the drunken spelling and outrageous punctuation (or lack thereof), but it remains essentially the same as what I wrote under the influence of many, *many*, candy apple martinis.
> 
> You can find the [less coherent version here](http://firewhiskeyfic.dreamwidth.org/9369.html).

In the beginning there was Hogwarts. And it was good. But it could have been better. Or so was Pansy’s opinion. Not that being back wasn’t entertaining, because it was. Unfortunately, there was that admittedly pesky episode with the Noseless Lord and His Prattiness the Saviour of Gryffindor la de da da, and you would think that people could just let a thing go after a time, but no, apparently one mistake - albeit a huge one - really could crimp your style for your entire final year. 

Which led back to Hogwarts being… good. Very good in fact, much better than learning from tutors at home with no ickle younger years to impress and no fellow Slytherins to commiserate with. But. Difficult when one found oneself being shunned. Shunning made it nigh impossible to be properly adored. So, clearly something had to be done.

“Draco!”

Pansy frowned after a moment and glanced over at her best friend, only to find him glaring across the room. Following his line of sight, she rolled her eyes. Of course. She reached out and flicked his ear.

He flinched back, violently. “Fuck off, Pansy” he snarled, swatting her hand away.

She evaded his hand and grabbed his shoulder, then leaned in close. “You. Need to do something. About this,” she said seriously, nodding as she spoke.

He looked at her askance. “You’re drunk.”

She looked up at the ceiling, considering, and then shrugged. “Yeah. But I’m of age and it’s a party, so that’s irrelevant”, she said primly. “You need to fix this.”

“Fix what? What are you on about?” he demanded, gaze wandering back over to the original object of his attention.

She reached out and poked him on the shoulder, earning another swat.

“Fucking stop that,” he complained.

“No,” she replied. “If you would just go over there and TALK to the prat, you could make things better for all of us.”

He glanced at her long enough to give her a dirty look.

“And by all of us, you mean you,” he translated.

“Well, I am part of all of us,” she admitted. “But it’s not just me,” she insisted. “You’re like… the figurehead. You know! Like the muggle queen! Where you go, how you act and represent yourself - it represents Slytherin House,” she beamed with the assurance of drunken insight. "If you can make things right with Potty, you’ll pave the way for all of us.” She nodded sagely.

She received no response. Wrinkling up her brow, she glared over at Draco to find, once again, his attention fully engaged by the speccy Gryffindor prat across the room.

“Oh for…” she trailed off, annoyed beyond measure. Or possible beyond her even smaller than normal ability to cope with being ignored when she was trying to share her brilliant insights with her housemates. Because a few too many firewhiskeys would do that to the best of them, and she would admit that perhaps, her tolerance was a bit lower than average.

“That's it!” she fumed as she clambered unsteadily to her feet. “Oi, Potter!” she bellowed out across the room, 

“Pansy, what the fuck!” Draco hissed at her, grabbing at her arm and trying to pull her back down onto the couch beside him, but she wriggled out of his grasp and took a few stumbling steps away.

“If you’re not going to do something about this, then I am,” she declared, stepping over several of her classmates who were sprawled on the floor. Unfortunately, she miscalculated and felt herself wheeling forward, and all she could do was cringe in anticipation of the pain when she hit the floor face first.

The expected face plant didn’t happen. Quite unexpectedly, she found herself firmly in Potter’s clutches, his hands wrapped tightly around her upper arms as he peered owlishly into her face.

“Potter,” she said in surprise.

“Parkinson.” he responded, and she watched as a variety of emotions flitted across his face. He opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it several times before she let out a sigh of exasperation.

“Salazar! You’re as hopeless as he is,” she muttered, wrenching herself free of his grasp. “Ok, so, look,” she began steeling herself up for the anger she was expecting. “I know I was an absolute bitch and I can’t apologize enough to make it right, but honestly! This is supposed to be our final year, yeah? And it’s fucking miserable! Could you *please* just forgive me for being completely terrified and having not one ounce of Gryffindor courage in my entire body so I don’t have to spend the rest the year as a pariah?”

Potter blinked at her. He glanced over at Draco who spread his hands as if in supplication, shaking his head to indicate he had no idea what was going on. He glanced back over at his friends, but Granger just looked confused and Weasley just looked at Granger. He looked back at her.

“Erm... what?”

“Oh for fuck sake.” she growled at him, then reached out to grab the front of his shirt, pulling them nose to nose. “I’m sorry for wanting to serve you up to moldy voldy on a silver platter, you ponce!” she said, in the exceedingly careful pronunciation and diction of someone who was trying to sound like they were not drunk when it was clear to everyone that they were. “Will fucking forgive me already?”

He tried to pull back out of her grasp, but only succeeded in knocked them both off balance. Pansy careened into Harry and he lost his footing, and the two of them tumbled to the floor in a sprawl of arms and legs, intimate body part suddenly becoming intimately acquainted as she landed straddling his lap. 

“Well,” she huffed out when she managed to catch her breath “Really, Potter! If you wanted to snog, all you had to do was ask!” she wiggled her eyebrows salaciously, then collapsed into giggles at the look of abject terror on his face.

“No, absolutely not,” he protested, trying to scramble out from under her. She reached up rest a hand on his chest.

“Well, if that’s what it would take to get you to forgive me-”

Potter’s gurgle of protest was drowned out by Draco’s roar.

“Pansy, get the fuck off him!”

And before she had a chance to toss back a pithy comeback, she was hauled up and off the saviour of the wizarding world and face to face with a very irate Malfoy.

“Why Draco,” she purred before he could say anything else, “I told you that if you weren’t going to do something, I was.” She crossed her arms and gave him a haughty stare.

He leaned in close enough that no one else could hear. “You utter slag,” he hissed. “How could you!”

She leaned right back. “Very easily, if he weren’t complete bent.”

Draco blinked, jerked back a ways from her and blinked again. He glanced over at Potter, who had clambered up off the floor and was adjusting his robes, throwing glances their way. He looked back at Pansy.

“What do you mean?” he demanded, eyes still cutting over to Potter even while he was confronting her.

“I mean, you clueless wonder, that I was all over his lap! Me, curvaceous, beautiful, nubile pure blooded me, and I don’t care how noble Potter is. If he was straight, having my twat rubbing right up against him would have elicited at least some slight reaction. Honestly! Boys your age get a raging hard on in the slightest breeze.”

“And? What are you saying?”

Pansy smirked at him. “I'm saying there’s no way he’s straight and you should stop mooning after him like you have been for the last three year - Oh, don’t you glare at me like that, Draco Malfoy!” she snapped, poking him in the chest with one finely manicured nail. “He’s bent, you’re bent, the two of you are always staring and each other and maybe if you could relieve him of some of the enormous pile of unresolved sexual tension hanging over his head, he would untwist a little and the rest of us could relax too!”

As they stared at each other, Pansy realized the room had become exceptionally silent. She glanced around and realized that almost everyone as staring at them, and Potter was gawping at them, his face beet red.

“Uhm..." she said, afraid to ask, but pretty sure she knew the answer.

“Yes dear, you were shouting that,” Blaise supplied helpfully from where he lounged in a high back chair. “I’d be surprised if they didn’t hear you in the great hall.”

Draco let out a small moan and covered his eyes with one hand.

“I think you’re right,” came a sing-song voice from behind her and Pansy turned around to find Luna nodding serenely. “I think Harry would be ever so much happier if he and Draco finally stopped pinning for each other from afar.

Pansy heard a strangled sound came from Harry’s direction, but she was too busy staring at Luna to bother looking.

“Really?”

Luna nodded. “He's had far more nargles around him than usual,” she said. “But it’s a well known fact that vigorous sex will banish them.”

Pansy looked back at Draco. “Well, you heard the woman,” she said as she gave him a shove in Harry's direction. The other boy was desperately making a break for the exit. “Go and banish some nargles!”

Draco stumbled a few steps, stopped long enough to glare at her, and then made a beeline after Harry.

“It’s about damn time,” she heard someone exclaim from the group near the fireplace, and a smattering of giggles and applause started up around the room.

So. Maybe this would be the beginning of better, but for now - it was time to cultivate a new friendship.

“So Luna. Tell me more about how to banish these Nargles,” she said.


End file.
